as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
