Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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