Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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