i just wanna soil my oats bro
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
