You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
