I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
