mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
