Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
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