Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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