it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize