My sheets look like a crime scene.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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