im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
