You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
