apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
