You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Two words: nipple clamps
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