So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
