she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
