is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
