we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
