I have demons in me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I want a musical about memes.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
