i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
