im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
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