honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
