Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
