Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
