did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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