just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
it hurts more in the daytime
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Randomize
