at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
