Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
