I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
