Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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