I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
