I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
