Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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