More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
