i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
