My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
