Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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