I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
