The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
