my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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