Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
