I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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