ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
