I just saw a hot homeless man
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
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She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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