I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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