The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
