Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
