my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
