I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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