Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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