I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Still dying that you shit outside
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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