im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
