Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
