Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
