I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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