Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
