Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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