why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
